Monday, November 30, 2009

Weekend at Bernie's

As far as mainstream music writers go, Bernard Zuel of the the Sydney Morning Herald writes stuff that's neither here nor there on the I-94 Bar radar screen. Much of the time it's the latest British indie pop thing, and he has a leaning to innocuous country music. What really stands out, however, is Bernie's predilection for reviewing good looking female recording artists he'd like to, er, put on high-rotation.

The latest is "rootsy" (term used under advisement) American singer-songwriter Jess Klein (who doesn't even have an album out in Australia.) Bernie's weekend review wasn't available for online perusal, but you can see some of his finest work regarding Perth blues-rocker Abbe May here. Slip it in, indeed!

Now, Abbe's record doesn't fluff around when it talks about sex - in fact that's all it talks about - but you can see there's a long-term fixation on Bernie's part. You can't help but that think if Abbe ever wants a room, Bernie's going to be reaching for his credit card. Zuel rhymes with...?

There's nothing wrong with linking music to sex. Rock and Roll is essentially all about sex and death, but some of Bernie's more florid writings read more like a personal ad on a bad online dating site, or billboard copy for the clinics selling erectile dysfunction cures. Here's a modest sample:

When May sings, she pins you back and holds you up like some giant dangling a floppy doll: helpless and happy to be so. When she curls around a hard-nosed lyric she sends a charge through you like that first powerful crush you had on an impossible target: bring the pain, please.

Enough pain already, Bernie! And we know this line could be directed in our general direction (if Bernie cared)...

All those boys, and boy critics, in thrall to blokey "hard" bands repeating on history and themselves like some all-in burping competition would do well to shut up and see the truth. Abbe May has those bands for breakfast.

Lest you dismiss this post as a cheap shot, be aware that we're not the first people to notice. A couple of labels around town have noted that it's a waste of time sending most promotional material to BZ unless the act in question is good looking and female. Further afield, there's at least one PhD paper in the offing that references Bernard Zuel's drool.

So in honour ofT Great Man, I'm kicking off ZuelWatch, an occasional and fun space for referencing any Bernie-isms and making sure he gets a date. Even if he is married. Post comments in the usual place or email scans of past indiscretions or goss to


Wornoutmorgan said...

Of course, only vindictive and demented persons would send Bernie a fake demo from a fictional girl......

The Barman said...

Do tell more.